.::SiAnZ::.

hiyaz diary...

long time no update... cause nothing interesting happened ba...

well came here to complain again~ damn it manz... i really dun understand why such a thing must happen not once not twice but countless times! wad the hell m i supposed to understand from it manz? everytime i m past the psychological barrier, somehow, at that very moment, things have to take a turn again~ even if it's juz for that short moment... juz enough to make u drop into the stupid trap or hole (depending on how u wanna see it) AGAIN... and zoom~ things are back to the way it is again originally and i can assure u the original state of things is not a good one~ is this like karma or what huh? the only lame and stupid excuse i can think of for myself is maybe i owe him something in my previous life...

crappy life

.::WhAt A wEeK::.

hiyaz diary...

this week had been tiring... everyday also got some extra lesson after school... then super sianz... everything seems to be in double periods... and time seems to pass by slowly... sianz~ even sat have to go back school study... even more sianz... i hate to go back school on sat! cause used to sleeping late on sat... and it's a day to slack and stuff not for waking up early to go school study... argh~

then supposedly going to toa payoh to help out with the YCF... but then sat i reached there, i felt like some extra... super sianz... dunno wad i can do to help out also... seriously wanted to do something useful but there juz seemed to be nothing for me to do! so in the end, i walked out... feeling stupid cause i could have juz gone home straight from school instead of travelling to toa payoh and back again and my house isn't really near toa payoh... but in the end, mindy called me at that time and she asked me out... i didn't really wanna go in the first place cause all i wanted to do was to go home and sleep... but that lamer told me she already at toa payoh and wanted to meet me and at the most go back my house sleep also... pengz~ so juz met up with her... went to eat lunch at the jap restaurant... then looked for shades with her... afterwhich i wanted to go home... so sat train back... but decided to alight at novena somehow... dun ask me why... it was on impulse... she bought a book from MPH and shoes... then went to united square to buy subway back for dinner... subway addict~

then went home le... before that went to punggol plaza to collect my harry potter~ it's finally out! *bIg GrInZ* the bookstore auntie very good still wrapped it up in plastic for me nicely... =) then i saw a lot of books i wanna rent at the bookstore... but decided against it cause wanna finish reading harry potter first... haha... then went home le with mindy... we slacked a while then watched madagascar with her while eating subway~ the show chao cute... got some parts very funny also... then i started reading my harry potter while mindy juz played around with the computer... she left at 10 lidat... i continued reading cause it's hard to put it down once i start... lolz... it juz got that effect on me... but around 12 i buay tahan le... damn tired... been yawning the whole day... maybe cause woke up early to go school... haha notice i m grumbling about having to go school on sat AGAIN...

then today woke up early at about 8 cause going out to fetch my grandparents and bring them go see the YCF performance at toa payoh... mama went with me... but they lived at clementi... so long long trip~ went to eat breakfast with my parents before taking the mrt to clementi... but late ah, so we juz sat cab from harbourfront to clementi then to toa payoh... the performance was ok... and i finally know one soka guy that's in mjc le... then after the whole thing me and mama brought them to eat... went to crystal jade... then cause they old le, so me and mama have to hold them all the time... i m not complaining about them being troublesome or what... i juz realised it's quite sad if u grow old and u have no children to take care of u... or worse still, u have children but they can't be bothered about u... quite jialat ah... then is like old le will tend to get more problems with health... then everywhere also pain... walk also got problem... eat also dunno can eat wad le... growing old really quite scary eh... then another long cab journey back... probably the longest i ever had... from toa payoh to clementi to drop my grandparents off... then to redhill cause mama going there play mahjong... then to punggol where i live... the whole cab fare costs $26.70 so u can imagine how long i was in that cab... and to top it off, i tend to get car sick when i m in cabs~ so u can imagine how the journey is like for me... for a whole 50 mins in the cab... bad!

okiez came home... really feel like sleeping but got quite some things to do... so =(... i wanna finish reading my harry potter!!! but got homework to do and a test to study for... haha... so little time so little time!!! okiez la... shall stop crapping le... go le~ tml is monday again... sianz~

[I cAn'T hELp It... ThE mEmOrIeS jUsT kEeP cOmInG bAcK tO hAuNt Me... EvErY mOmEnT eVeRy DaY...]

.::HaPpY bIrThDaY wEiLe::.

hiyaz diary...

today weile's birthday... happy birthday~ school was tiring today... seems to have overdosage of chem... >_< shan't elaborate much la...

then went tm to celebrate his birthday... ate dinner... then took cab back with weile... then he told me quite some things ba... and i realised he is really quite different person from everyone... dunno how to say also ba...

haha talk about tuesday~ back track... went to subway with jo for dinner la... and i think we really talk until forget time... reach subway at 5.30pm... by the time we look at clock again it's 8pm le... talk like hell but enjoyable! and the tuna sub is so nice!!! haha i realised almost every entry will have some mention of subway... =p

okiez... this week had been =(... dunno how to say... suan le~ off to watch tv...

.::LeT mE sLeEp FoReVeR::.

hiyaz diary...

still in the stupid mood right now... mummy said one sentence to me this noon... which sorta snapped me awake but still, i can't stop feeling sad... she said, look at you now, a bit of liveliness also dun have... it hurts when she said it... but i know it's true... and at that point, i was thinking to myself, i do not want things to be like this too... i do not want to live like a zombie too... but sometimes, things juz happen and i can't pretend that i m not affected... was filled with helplessness as i heard her say that... i dunno wad i can do to snap out of this... i do not want to resort to silly means again... i promised myself and a fren before... all i want is a way to numb everything... to forget everything... i cry juz so that i am able to sleep... otherwise, i can't get to sleep at all... for the first time in 17 years, i cried 5 times in a day yesterday as memories flooded me with everything i do... while watching tv, the scenes triggered off memories of the past... while eating, they keep coming back too... was alone at home last night... sat at the storeroom and stone till i cry yet again... i dunno wad is wrong anymore... i tried drinking so that i can sleep and forget about everything for the time being... but i didn't sleep till some time later... gonna say something childish... i wished i can juz sleep and never wake up... or maybe wake up one month later when things might have been better...

angry at myself... i told myself some time ago i wun get my hopes high so that i wun get too sad when the time comes... i told myself i can deal with it... i told myself i will be able to handle it so that it wun affect my life... i told myself life still goes on no matter what... but now that it had happened, i am still the wimp and the useless girl... although it had happened once, i still let it happen a second time... and the worse thing is i know it beforehand... i had expected it to happen... but still, i chose to let it happen... it takes 2 hands to clap... if i had curbed my feelings, things will not be like it is now! but what's the use of saying that over and over again... it's getting old and boring... not to mention irritating... i want to sleep

.::StUpId DaY::.

hiyaz diary...

i hate my mood right now... =( everything juz sucked... maybe i not in a position to complain but juz can't help feeling like shit inside... i hope the feeling goes away soon... i juz wanna clear my mind and not think about anything... but everything juz keep coming... only can say what the shit~

went subway after school again with jo and maly... but even subway didn't cheer me up this time... =( i wished i dun have to lie to somebody... argh~

.::StOrIeS aNd QuOtEs::.

hiyaz diary...

wrote this story some time ago... decided to post it... also got some quotes from last time...

This is the story of a guy and a gal... It all started with a simple frenship between classmates... On the first day of sec sch, he saw her and she saw him... Their eyes met, they smiled and turned away... Little did they know wad could happen in the next few years... Little did they know this is the story which change the gal's life since then and maybe even the guy's life...

[HoW cAn yOu Be FrIenDs wiTh soMeoNe iF eVerY tIMe YoU LoOk aT tHeM iT mAKes YoU wAnt ThEm eVen MoRe?]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... They enjoyed their first year together as a klass, young and innocent... But, things happened and the guy changed his opinion of the gal and the gal was saddened terribly as everybody in the class sees her differently from then on...

[SomeTimEs I woNdEr whAt yOu thInk oF mE.. .oR iF yoU Do aT aLL.]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... The next year, they were separated and split into different classes... Gradually, the gal made new friends and was not a outcast anymore... She began to have a crush on another guy and that was that...

[I wouLD hAvE foLLowEd hiM tO heLL iF hE asKeD mE tO aNd witH aLL hE puT mE tHRouGh, maYbE I Did.]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... In the following year, the gal gradually got over her crush as she knew it is impossible between them... It took her more than a year's time... The year was spent productively... The gal spent her time concentrating on her studies... As fate would allow, the gal somehow got a chance to be the guy's classmate again even though they were in different classes at first... But, they did not talk much to each other... And the gal thought their frenship is over...

[HoW dO yoU LeaVe tHe PaSt BeHiNd wHeN iT kEepS FiNdinG waYs tO gEt tO yOuR hEaRt, iT rEacHeS waY doWn deEp aNd tEaRs yOu inSidE ouT tiLL youR hEaRt tOrN apArT]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... Another year passed by... It was their last year in the school... They were classmates again... It all started with a simple dinner... Gradually, they became gd frens again since the dinner... The gal was thrilled to get one more chance to be frens again with the guy...

[YoU mAkE mE sMiLe fOr No rEaSon WhaT sO eVer, yOu mAke Me LaUGh aT tHe uNfUnnIesT ThIngS, bUt mOst Of aLL yoU mAke Me LOve YoU wHen I ShOuLdN't bE LovIng YoU.]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... The guy could always know wad the gal is thinking about even though the gal said nothing to him... Soon, things are becoming different between them... It all started with a simple online chat... Then, it grew into SMSing... Then, it grew into phone calls... From then on, things were different as the gal realised she is falling for the guy...

[A gUy aNd a grL caN bE juSt fRiEnDs bUt aT oNe pOinT oR aNotHeR, oNe oF tHeM wiLL faLL fOr tHe otHeR, maYbE tEmpOraRiLy, maYbE aT thE wRonG tme, maYbE toO LaTe oR maYbE, juSt maYbE.. foReVeR..]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... The gal could still remember wad really made her fall for the guy... It was the warm feeling that he managed to let her feel... She began to see him as a guy and not juz a fren... When he patted the gal on her head, looking at her with tender care in his eyes, it melted the gal's heart... She was totally head over heels in love with the guy...

[LoVinG yOu iS wHaT I'vE LeaRNeD sO eAsiLy. TrYinG tO FoRgEt yoU iS tHe LaSt tHinG I CoULd PoSsiBLy LeArN bEcAuSe I'm DeEpLy iN LoVe WitH yoU]

[Do yOu kNoW hOw mUcH it huRts ... tO bE stAndInG tHeRe iN uR aRmS ... fEeLinG Ur hEarT bEAt nExT tO mIne ... kNowIng tHat wE caNnOt bE toGetHeR? KnoWinG tHat yOu'rE sO cLoSe aNd yeT yoU'Re StiLL a miLLioN miLes aWay? It'S kiLLeR. My hEaRt iS sO miXed Up. It reJoIcEs aT tHe vErY thOuGht oF yOU anD crIes whEneVer yOu'rE neAr. AnD eVen tHouGh beInG "juSt fRieNds" iS peRfEctLy fInE, I cAn't hELp iT ... I juSt waNt tO Be wIth YoU...]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... The gal never admitted her feelings to the guy as she juz assumed that they could never be together... More importantly, he already has a girlfriend... And it was beyond her to snatch him over from that someone else...

[WhY iS iT tHaT I cAn TeLL yoU eVeRYtHiNg I'm FeELiNg, eXcepT hoW I FeeL aBoUt yoU?]

[HaVe yOu eVer ReaLLy cRiEd fOr somEonE moRe thEn yOu wAnTed To? HaVe YoU eVeR tRieD tO LOve hIm iN sPiTe Of aLL tHe pAIn? WiLL yoU keEp oN LovIng hIm, EvEn ThoUgh hE's wHiSperINg sOMeOne eLse's nAmE?]

This is the story of a guy and a gal... Of coz, the gal hoped that the ending will be of one whereby they lived happily ever after... But, unfortunately, that might only happened in fairy tales...

[AsK mE whY I keEP oN LoVinG yoU wHEn itS cLeaR tHAt u doN’t feEL tHè sAmE waY foR mE... tHe pRobLeM iS tHAt aS MucH aS I caN’t foRcE yoU tO LoVe mE, I caNt foRcE mYseLF tO sToP LoVinG yoU]

end of story... =) wrote this when i was in sec 4 if i nv remember wrongly... forgive me if it sucks... haha i was never much of a writer...

You hurt me more than I deserve; how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve; why am I such a fool?

§ømEtiMês I wïsH I wäs å £ïttLe kiD aGaïN bëcAùsE a §çraped kNëe hûRts å löT lès§ thäN a bRokèN hêarT.

It hurts a lot, it'll always hurt. You'll always hurt knowing he's not thinking about you but thinking about her. It'll always hurt knowing that the one you care about the most hurt you the most, that he hurt you to a point that you can't deal with it anymore, eventually you learn to get over it somehow, not to forgive but to get over it. if it wasn’t love, u wouldn’t care... tat’s y the one u loved most always hurt u the most...

I’m tRyInG rEaLLy HaRd nOt tO cRy oVeR yOu CaUsE eVeRy tEaR iS juSt oNe rEmnDeR tHaT I dOn’T kNoW hOw tO LeT yOu gO...

It's hard to pretend you love someone when you really don't but it's even harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do

HaVe U eVeR wOnDeReD wHiCh HuRtS tHe MoSt, SaYiNg SoMeThInG aNd WiShInG u HaD nOt, Or SaYiNg NoThInG aNd WiShInG yOu HaD?

Don't be too nice, don't be too sweet, don't be too thoughtful because I might just like it. And when I do, you might regret it, because when you're so nice, you make me forget that you're just a friend, nothing more, nothing less.

haha like the last one in particular since last time... =)

okiez yesterday went to subway to eat with joanne after school... then went home... then at night 10 plus, went to serangoon eat durian with my family... last minute decision... ahhh! durian rocks~ was actually quite moody yesterday but after eating durians, my mood was so much better! =) thanks to brother/sis-in-law for suggesting it... i love durians~ oh while we were there, something quite funny happened... the stupid durian was placed on the slanted table and it almost rolled down right on my knee area... haha but the guy who opened the durians was quick to catch it before it fell onto my leg... it was so close... hehe... but dunno y i began laughing after he caught it... cause i keep imagining the durian on my leg with the spikes inside the flesh... i juz can't stop laughing! haha quite sadist... and mama saw the durian dropping so she used her hand to try to stop it and she got pricked slightly... =( motherly love and her protection for me... i love my mama...

nothing much today... went home straight after school... think gonna take a nap or something soon... damn tired... still having difficulty in sleeping at night... hopefully all will be well soon...

go le~

.::CyCLiNg::.

hiyaz diary...

today went cycling with some jo benny kev yz and monkey... met at east coast park... then benson took us to this beacon... it's supposedly quite some distance from east coast park mac... but then the trip didn't seem that long... maybe cause have each other's company... haha... it's quite enjoyable! went past a lot of places i had never been to before... like the national sailing centre... the golf course... and the airport runway there... =) wad i enjoyed most abt the trip is the wind! haha... and of course the nice environment at that beacon... but on the way there, i like keep stopping and slowing everyone down! haha sorry... accident prone... fell 3 times but didn't hurt myself... lolz... then last part bumpy... i totally cannot make it lolz... have to walk instead... but the trip back was better... i didn't fall! haha... and the trip back got less people and it's more windy! super nice! i like =)

then jiu take cab go parkway eat... ate mos burger... =) wad else can i say besides "nice"... lolz... it's juz nice la~ then jiu shared cab home with jo and kev... phew... tired~ but happy... now slacking le... tml got school =( haha but shall be optimistic about it~

[ThErE's ThAt OnE pIeCe MiSsInG sOmEhOw... AnD i ThInK i KnOw WhAt ThAt Is... BuT i aLsO kNoW yOu WuN eVeR uNdErStAnD... i OnLy WiShEd FoR tHaT fEeLiNg To CoMe BaCk AgAiN...]

.::ShOpPiNg!!!::.

hiyaz diary...

today went shopping the whole day~ mindy came over my house around noon... dunno why she suddenly came also... she juz called me around noon and said she's on the way to my house... -_- then went out together with her and my mother...

went to bugis first... cause heard there got international food fair... but we nv bought any food cause too much people le... quite packed... haha then went to the street opposite parco to eat dessert... nice nice... =) then walked to suntec... shopped again... and i ate subway~ =D my favourite! then we walked to marina square... cause newly opened! alot of new shops... and we ate again... lolz... keep eating... then we wanted to take bus back to boon keng but cause got ndp rehearsal so no buses at that time slot... so no choice, we walked through citilink mall and went to raffles city to take bus back... but then, the roads there also closed... -_- so in the end we juz went to the only available bus stop to take bus and go chinatown... haha... a bit off point... then we walked at chinatown a bit before taking nel back... then went to mindy's house to get a vcd from her, then me and my mom went back le... legs quite tired... lolz but everyone of us bought something! =D

now slacking and planning to watch vcd le... no exams really quite shiokz sia! i wish there were more days of holidays... hehe... =D

[HoW dId EvErYtHiNg DeVeLoPeD tO tHe WaY iT iS tOdAy...]

.::SLeEp::.

hiyaz diary...

today is sleeping day! haha woke up at 10... preparing to go meet weile for breakfast... but then in the end never go le... then jiu slacked at home... best life manz! then 2 pm buay tahan... went back to sleep again... and sleep sleep sleep jiu 6 plus le~ haha the feeling when i woke up is the best! =D then bathed and had dinner... sis came over to have dinner today... it was a great dinner! haha... cause got my favourite dishes and nice soup! =D

i wish life were simpler sometimes... was watching lost yesterday... and got one man in the show got this tattoo that says: "living is easy with eyes closed" makes sense to me...

i miss him =(